The end of a very busy semester. Somebody should have warned me not to take 2 classes with Santi in the same semester. He has kept me very busy, but I have to say I have learned a lot. With Art211 the projects were all meaningful to the topic of the class and brought it all together for me. And nobody can say the classes weren't interesting. I was very well entertained in every class. I admit that in some of my other classes I've been watching the clock waiting for the last minutes to pass. I normally have a bit of ADD, not ADHD, not the hyperactive part, but the drifting attention part. But in this class I was always 'there' right up until the last minute and often was surprised that it was so late when class ended.
I started out this semester with a dark cloud hanging over me. My mom had just died at the end of July while I was in Australia so I couldn't even make it back for the funeral. She'd had Alzheimer's and had been declining for a couple of years so really I had been losing her gradually over a long period of time but surprisingly that didn't make it any easier to deal with her finally being physically gone. I guess deep inside I, like my father, was still harboring some hope of a miracle saving her at the last minute. How silly us humans are.
I started the semester feeling like I'd now have a lot more time to work on assignments for classes because I wouldn't be helping take care of my mom, but that I didn't really feel motivated so much anymore. I was hoping that the cloud would lift as I got back into school and maybe it has a little but I still don't feel quite normal yet. I think we don't allow enough time for grief in our society. When we lose people we love we're expected to be sad for a little while but at the same time we're expected to be back to everyday normal activity the next week. For me, I was in the middle of a film studies class in Melbourne so I had to keep going, keep working on my film to get it done by the end of that week, so no time to grieve really until later. My nephew filmed the funeral for me so I could see it when I came back. That's the footage I used in my video art piece so it was very personal for me. I guess this sense of loss I'm still feeling has made me look back over life and realize how fast it has all gone by, how your kids grow up right in front of you and you may love who they've become but you still find yourself often missing them as little kids. I'd love nothing more than to be able to go back in time for one day and spend it with my kids at their ages then. Sad that I want to hug my 5 year old when he has been replaced by a 21 year old and that I want to visit my 3 year old daughter, a time when she was a sweet little girl. As much as I love her sharp wit these days I'd love to visit her back when she was all innocence and carefree attitude. And my biggest regret when it comes to video is that I didn't get my mom on video very much at all. Somehow I never noticed that she was avoiding the camera and I didn't go out of my way to get her on tape, concentrating more on getting the kids preserved on video. So, the longest bit of footage I have of my mom is this one of her in her coffin being carried to the grave....a sad thing to have to say.
This class has helped me to pull out a little bit of the creativity that I've been squelching for years while working mundane jobs. I was artistic when I was young but I got sidetracked by practical things. Now, when most of my friends are planning their retirements, I'm accumulating new debt to get more education. How absurd is that? It's doubtful I'll live long enough to pay off the student loans, especially since I have a parent plus loan I took out to pay for my daughter's first year of college that's in deferment along with my own, but I'm having fun experiencing college, sucking in as much knowledge as I can, and trusting that I'll end up better off for it in the end.
One other thing I've learned this semester-I'm not capable of going without sleep anymore.....no matter how much coffee I drink.
